13. Claire Grunwald and Man. Look - it’s fine. It’s fine that they both look like two affable lesbians. I’m sure they’ll eliminate confusion through helpful literature and overly educational ushers at the ceremony. But she looks like she should be joining her tiny woodland brethren in bathing and dressing a Disney princess in the world’s first live action, all-lesbian retelling of Cinderella: Is Step-Mummy Cruel or Merely Confused? And the theater needs that. The theater needs you, Claire, with your strange head-to-body ratio and asymmetrical fiancé. As does every thesis-writing Bryn Mawr theater major USE THIS IDEA THANK ME IN YOUR SPEECH YOU’RE WELCOME.
12. Summer Sullivan, a music major and fairly good musician. One of the most abrasive people you could hope to meet. Here together are Abrasive Summer and her fiance. I think I’ve seen his face under various headlines with the keywords “gruesome discovery,” “sodomy,” “underage boys,” “neighbors never suspected,” and “double homicide-suicide.”
On the other hand, once he kills her, her face will make a great new one for Casey Anthony.
11. Jimmy and Sharon Gorski. You know how sometimes you’ll meet someone, and your go-to belief is, “Sure, he’s dumb, but such a sweet, simple boy?” Well. No. Old Jimmy’s just a chunky little bite of evil living among us as a contractor. He enjoys: cabinets, dirt, and conversations about cabinets or dirt. About three years ago he married Sharon here, who has daringly gone for the Matronly Monica Lewinski, making the best of an underbite that would otherwise have her churning up sand to lay her eggs in off the coast of Portugal. Pre-Sharon, Jimmy was about 30 pounds lighter and attractive. Don’t worry, though: what looks like bleary-eyed lithium bloat is just a man made fat and happy from long, sensual nights of Stouffer’s and Peter Griffin (the acoustic sessions). When motivated, he can extend his head forth from his neck. As for little Georgia/Tallulah/Delilah/Weird Confederate Nostalgia Name being dandled there on Sharon’s knee - well, none of it’s her fault. I can’t go after babies, so give me 14 years.
5. Come back in 5 years and pray Toddlers & Tiaras is still running.
10. Daniel Chin, married to Hannah Hunt. Daniel was an all around stand-up kind of guy: smart, kind, and viewed by many as the Asian-bachelor-most-wanted at his predominantly white school. And yes, Hannah’s cute, like a little pony. We know she’s cute because she chooses cartoon animals and Miyazaki characters as her profile pictures. The thing is I sat behind them once at breakfast and heard their entire post-coital conversation, punctuated by long silences and nervous giggles. ”Hey…hey. You took my pillow last night.” ”Did not! That was my pillow.” ”Heh. Heh heh. Did too!” ”Wow, these eggs are real runny. Haha. No, cause your pillow’s blue!” And so on. For 35 minutes. So their “pillow talk” is literally…pillow talk. About pillows.
Girl, you know that goosedown gets my juices floooowwwing……
9. Matt Bachmayer. Married to…irrelevant. I’m not up on The Adventures of Superman and its villains, but I’m pretty sure this marriage was the result of some weirdly obscure fanfic. The clincher for me was when Matty boy publicly announced, “I’m so in love it’s unfuckingbelievable!” Put that in your Comic Sans and smoke it. Because real people don’t say things like that, right? …Right?
If you are the creator of this union, please stand forth at Comic Con 2012.
8. Lisa Marconi. Engaged to Timothy Baggett. Young Timmy so fears the public eye that the only information available is that he is proudly “male.” Lisa was the type of robust, aggressive girl you might expect to become a girls’ volleyball coach, with all the corresponding sexual stereotypes. She took a left turn somewhere and became a ski instructor betrothed to Timothy here.
She copes with her frustration by gnawing at his soft facial ligaments; his skull used to be a much rounder, more head-ish shape.
7. Daniela Scott. A very nice girl, now married to one Tyrell Leonard. She voiced her desire to end the relationship during college, but he promised her he would kill himself, which is the best foundation for a marriage. “Till death do us - I SWEAR I’LL DO IT I’LL DO IT RIGHT HERE.”
6. Pamela Conroy. Theater major. DSM IV diagnosis: somewhere in the pathological narcissism spectrum. Now married to Javier Lizarazo. My main concern with this is that two people with a tendency to look like smug lizards should not share the last name “Lizarazo.”
5. Kyle Jordan (no relation). I met Kyle when he was young and he recently married a young Australian this past year. Kyle here fancies himself an author and as such has a thriving blog on which he posts passages from books other people have written.
I think his wife took her hair from the head of an American Girl doll.
4. Lainey Jordan. Lainey was perfectly nice back in high school, and is now engaged to one Clark Taylor. My only real objection to this is pretty superficial and based on the fact that they are both pudgy underachievers, though I’m sure they get some good sexual mileage out of Clark’s job with UPS. No wait! Also, her favorite movie is Donnie Darko.